i might misinterpret it again... i cannot afford to get hurt right now... i just can't...

Currently listening to: Moonstar 88's "Sa Langit"
Currently reading: my friends' blogs...
Currently watching: a flash movie...
Currently feeling: my heart pounding...

astig. i love dakota fanning. o sige na nga, si Tom Cruise na rin.

Currently feeling: nothing

it finally fell... i haven't shed that much tears for a long time... and for some reason, that breakdown relieved me fom the supressed sadness that's making my heart palpitate these past days... i guess being with you will all just be that... nothing more, nothing less... i'm still thankful though... i'm starting to hate how destiny toys with me sometimes... but what can i do? our destinies will never seem to meet... we will never meet... we will never be.... that was my last leaf... and i watched it fall on my feet...

Currently listening to: Moonstar 88's "Sa Langit"
Currently feeling: like crying...

nah... none today...

Currently feeling: weird

my first Fourth of July here... it's like New Year's eve in the Philippines... it was a day of fun fun with cousin Rochelle, her husband Spencer and son Michael, my Aunt and Uncle. I enjoyed seeing my shadow on water (some of the simple things that make me smile... but it was darn cold at the beach this morning), my tita's superduper amazing barbecue (I think I ate too much, I still feel full), new tan (a.k.a. burned arms, neck, shoulder and legs... thanks to Coppertone my face was spared), and some amazing flowers in the sky (oh yeah...).

newport beach. swimming at my aunt's house. slept.... a lot. barbecue yummy yum yum. fireworks at knott's berry farm.iced mocha and Gi at starbs.

Currently listening to: Mariah's "Circles"
Currently feeling: relaxed

Currently feeling: crappy

ok... i'll convince myself to do the same. i know everything will be fine... haaaay...

i had fun tonight gi and lianne... thank God for friends like you...

Currently feeling: optimistic...

dead downtown disney, crappy work clothes, dead bird near my car, another dead creature near Knott's, honk honk from behind... but I was with a friend - a best friend, just ate heavenly vanilla chocolate chip haagen daz ice cream and talked... nothing really special if you think of it but I enjoyed the night, I had fun... I was happy. Thank God for her. She's such a blessing.

Now we know where to head if we'll go out after-12 again (after my work or yours)! hehehehe... I had fun. Thanks thanks! I hope tonight was a breather for you... I hope you're ok na! hehehehe

Currently listening to: Moonstar 88's Torete
Currently feeling: happy

My 28-yr-old-divorced-with-one-daughter-and-now-living-with-his-parents co-worker has always been this goofy and shallow thinker that he is. My manager often reminds him that during work, chatting A LOT with customers is not allowed. I cannot blame my manager, this co-worker can be really really talkative sometimes. And I wouldn't mind if he was talking about America's economy, or poverty in third world countries, or how hard it is to quit smoking, or how sh*tty work can be... but no. What he talks about A LOT is about how the store's owner can do 10 different smirks (and he demonstrates each one... and I cannot help but laugh all night... he's really hilarious), how some customers would request their chicken bacon ranch either without the ranch, or without the chicken, or without the bacon, how he gets sunburned on just one arm, and how he wants to request for uniform change. Don't get me wrong, he's really hardworking, he thinks a lot (but only the shallow stuff - stuff that kids would ask their moms), and I don't think he's really not that stupid (although he's still confused between salami and pepperoni, and jalapeños and pepperccinis - and I don't understand how these four confuses him when they're all different in color).

What's my point in writing all these? Because tonight was special and that's because it's the first time he said something that made sense for me. We were talking about his girlfriend who's now expecting his second daughter and he was telling me how suprised he was when she told him. Then after telling me the whole story of it, he went quiet and then after about 10 seconds he blurted "my mom was right, you could only get surprises when you expect nothing, if the surprise is something you've always dreamed about but never expected and it finally comes, you can never measure the happiness it gives you."

I felt numb. It was a simple realization but then it hit me like the cookie sheets that fell on my toes earlier. It made me wonder how that would feel... must be heavenly... but then again who knows what heaven feels like? Just now, just before I started writing this, I got another sign from God... a surprise from God... I don't want to think this is coincidence... I'd like to think that this is His surprise... He's holding my hand after all... Thank you Lord... for the gifts, for the bridges, for the road signs...

Currently listening to: Plumb's "Stranded"
Currently feeling: excited...

Shania Twain

Hope life's been good to you
Since you've been gone
I'm doin' fine now --I've finally moved on
It's not so bad --I'm not that sad

I'm not surprised just how well I survived
I'm over the worst, and I feel so alive
I can't complain --I'm free again

And it only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So, I hold my breath --to forget

Don't think I'm lyin' 'round cryin' at night
There's no need to worry, I'm really all right
I've never looked back --as a matter of fact

It only hurts when I breathe
Mmm, no, I've never looked back -- as a matter fact

Hurts when I'm breathing
Breaks when it's beating
Die when I'm dreaming
It only hurts when I breathe...

Currently listening to: this song.
Currently feeling: pain. dammit.

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Currently listening to: the background music of this site.
Currently feeling: contented.

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Currently listening to: Shania Twain's "It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing"
Currently feeling: depressed.

What's Your Japanese Name?

cool! heheheh...

no doubt

It's funny how I find myself
In love with you
If I could buy my reasoning
I'd pay to lose
One half won't do

I've asked myself
How much do you
Commit yourself?

It's my life
Don't you forget
It's my life
It never ends (It never ends...)

Funny how I blind myself
I never knew
If I was sometimes played upon
Afraid to lose

Oh, I'd tell myself
What good do you do
Convince myself

Oh, It's my life
Don't you forget
Oh, It's my life
It never ends (It never ends...)

And I've asked myself
How much do you
Commit yourself?

It's my life
Don't you forget
Caught in the crowd
It never ends (its my life)

It's my life
Don't you forget
Caught in the crowd
It never ends (It never ends)

Oh, It's my life... (oh its my life)
Don't you forget... (don't you forget)
Caught in the crowd... (caught in the crowd)
It never ends (it never ends...)

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i don't understand your gestures. i know you are happy, you enjoy life, and you sure smile a lot. but it's sad you know... because i know i'm not the reason why you're happy, or why you enjoy life, or why you smile a lot. i don't understand what these feelings mean... to me... or to you... i asked for signs and God gave me one weeks ago... but it was telling me to move on without you.... i refuse to... i don't want to move on without you... how can i move on without my heart?

Currently listening to: Lifehouse's Hanging By A Moment
Currently feeling: depressed... again.

Stop looking for forever. Happiness is there right next to you.

HUWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?

Currently feeling: darn confused.

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were those signs? nah... those are just things that remind me and will always remind me of you...

but i hope they are signs. arggghhh... they gave me goosebumps damn it.

Currently listening to: his voice in my head...
Currently feeling: tired but dreamy...

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"There is a longing in our hearts, O Lord, for you to reveal yourself to us. There is a longing in our hearts for love we only find in you, our God."

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why don't you ask me questions like those you ask her? why don't you show you care for me like you show them? why can't i be your reason to smile? why don't you look at me like other girls? why don't i see me in your eyes? why don't you look at my eyes?

it's weird because i think you know who you are... but heck you don't even read my blogs! tsk tsk... i'm such a loser.

Currently listening to: Mariah's "Breakdown"
Currently feeling: so frustrated right now..

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alright, i will admit tonight that i am not okay the past days... yeah i had fun partying with friends last friday but i only hoped for it to never end... it did and am back to reality... that my life is in total wreck right now and the last thing i should be doing is losing myself to parties... but heck, all i want to do now is lose myself laughing and drinking... potah...

my cousin has decided to move up to the mountains.. err... to Lake Elsinore i mean... and she wants me with her... i've no problems moving but it's freaking 2 1/2 hours from my work... talk about total waste of gas, energy, and time... and because it is work and it means money, i guess i could let that slide... but 2 hours from my friends? from my aunt and uncle and from my favorite cousin and nephew? I DON'T THINK SO. That would be worse than being locked in a dungeon. How can I go out with Gi and have coffee before her class and my work? Yeah, get ready by 7 am to meet her around 9:30. Her class is 1pm so we might part around 12:15. My work starts 3:45 and ends 11:15. This means I should get up around 5:30am. Bum around between 12:15 and 3:15 - ALONE. Then reach home 1:15 in the morning? And my next day's work is 11:30? Ok I'll do that... so I'll be dead penniless and loveless after a week. So that was the deal last last week.

Then there went last week. The house had this huge FOR SALE sign. I don't know why my cousin was proud, but I cried. There started my tearful nights. I have been crying myself to sleep and I end up waking up with sore bloated eyes. I can't bear the noise around this house, the boxes lying around, my things being pushed aside... my own plans and decisions being neglected... did i even want to move up there? no, i did not. My cousin's head is a little messed up lately. She didn't want to go to church. She asked me to buy milk just before 12 midnight. She want to throw away all the stuff here in her house. She can't seem to realize the logic behind garage sale. She wants everyone out on Saturday because it's the "open house" day. She calls in her parents and had me and my other cousin cancel our monday plans just to help her pack stuff in the house. She's planning on putting everything on Storage and rent an apartment before moving in to the new house - which, by the way, will not be done until January next year. She's so eager to go to Lake Elsinore, but she wants me to drive because she said she's getting nervous now on freeways (then why the hell does she want to move up there?!). I can't tell her straight about my plans of staying here in Anaheim because she always tells me how she needs me there. Actually, what I'm thinking is, she doesn't care about anybody but herself. She doesn't realize how moving to a new school again will affect her children (their 3rd school and the eldest is in 2nd grade). She doesn't care if she'll be too far from her parents who could barely drive in freeways. She doesn't care if I'll have to drive 2 hours just to get to a 7 and a half hour work and 2 hours back. She doesn't care about being far from her only sister. She doesn't care about my own plans. I don't think she needs me. What she needs is a housekeeper, a babysitter, and a driver. NOT ME. Ok, enough of my cousin.

Last Saturday, my manager was telling me about moving to our La Puente store... and he's asking me to move there with him because he said he needs me there as his "lead closer." What the fudge? Haaaay, I really like my manager... so I guess I'll say yes, fudge I have a week to decide... I might consider, because that store is the biggest of our boss' 13 stores not to mention it's one of the very few that has a drive thru... I just hope the raise is high enough to cover my gas... or i'll decide on moving to La Puente... wherever that is. I'll check mapquest later...

Last Sunday my Uncle told me his secret... that he'll introduce me to someone, a 5'9 to 5'10 italian (or irish)- hispanic, 25 years old from West Covina. Haaay, potah, ibenta daw ba ako?! Don't get me wrong, I love my uncle, he's like my dad here but finding someone for me to date? Oh my God... I'm not even enjoying myself yet... haaaay naku, we'll see...

I feel like crying again... I jsut told my  mom about the stress and pressures I've been having lately... and all she could say was "anak, we love you... we'll be fine... you take care always... sleep well..."

potah, naiiyak na ako talaga. matutulog na ako.

Currently feeling: tired and depressed.

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I woke up with bloated eyes again, heavy head and tired feet and legs. I immediately helped them pack some more stuff in boxes. I hated it.

Then my uncle's friend called and said he's bringing "the guy" here. So an hour later, they came... and I discovered everything they told me were lies. He's not 25, he's 19. He's not 5'9, he's 5'2. He's not italian-hispanic, he's El Salvadorian and currently residing in Pomona. He doesn't have a car. He doesn't have a bit sense of humor. Only consolation, he goes to school and has a good job. Other than that, he's two thumbs down. Haaaay... I realize this is not my thing... I hate blind dates. I hate fixed dates. I think I'm gonna hate an arranged marriage. I'll still hold on to my principle of marrying for love... I'm such a loser.

So anyway, my cousin got her Storage in Lake Elsinore and I guess she'll be moving stuff there soon... I hope I've work the whole week so I won't have to drive all the way up there to bring boxes. Haaay naku... I think she also found an apartment there... I don't know... only one thing's for sure... I'M NOT GOING WITH HER.

I'll either move in with my other cousin or find a room in La Puente. I'm doomed. Maybe I should just go home then, noh?

Currently feeling: super stressed.

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i cannot believe my paycheck didn't even last five hours. darn it. too many bills, too thin paycheck. i guess i'll have to wait for the next to have some to spend for myself. so much for getting sooooo darn excited about it. haaaay...

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i called my manager earlier about my schedule because he wants me to close again this saturday, hell no. he said he forgot i asked for that only saturday off. so he said he'll make me close friday. when i was about to hang up he said "wait wait wait!" and there, he told me he really wants me at the La Puente store... he promised a raise so if i don't get it, he better look for other "really good people" for his new store. i'm proud, he said this is a promotion. hahahah. i hope i don't mess up drive thru orders, but i'm excited nonetheless. i might visit that store next week. i'm starting there week after next so i need to familiarize myself with the place. haaaaay....

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another good news, my boss at the Corporate Office wants me to work more days for her because she said her school's starting soon.... ahhhh... more days... more pay.... yahoo! heheheh... i guess what i need to look for now is an apartment between the La Puente store and my office in La habra. good luck to me...

oh and i stole 13 stamps from the office today heheheh, i was tempted to get the whole pack actually but i don't think i could take too much karma at this point in my life... hehehe... yun. palo ako.

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i had free venti mocha frapp earlier (thanks jon) and banana nut loaf (thanks gi) and a good laugh with gi.... free food and friends, what could be more perfect? hehehehehe i love you gi!

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my aunt just called... i can't believe my cousin told her i was crying last night... why does she have to tell her? why does she always have to do things that upset her? hay naku... she's really insensitive... she doesn't care how people will feel when she does something... arrgghhh...

anyway, i'm still not going with her. i might go and live with her for a week, but that's it... i will not drive from Lake Elsinore to La Puente and back just because she wants someone to be with her... why does she want to move there anyway? and why should that include me? no way. she better start looking for a housekeeper. 

Currently feeling: tired, pissed, frustrated

how will he ever notice... this love of mine that's always in vain... only glances... fleeting looks... nothing, even a glimpse... always getting hurt... this suffering heart of mine... always trying for you to hear this love i feel... i think i'll just wait for you in heaven... maybe there it's all love... maybe there you'll notice... all my wishes will be granted... your love i've always wanted... maybe only in heaven... why do i always see you... like a dark cloud... no signs of brightness for my hope... i have a bad feeling... i am worried... if we'll even see each other in heaven... there in heaven... i hope in heaven... my only hope now is heaven...

medyo barok... pero pwede na... hehehe this was translated by my favorite cousin... thanks bru!

Currently listening to: this song.
Currently feeling: weird.

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thanks my friends...

gi, and rann na rin and Jessie your friend, last friday sa Laguna Beach... hehehe

gi, chester, lianne, jik & pao last night at ClubDV8...

i love you guys!

gi! so are you destined for each other? hahahahaha

weeks of stress, frustrations, sadness, and depression seem impossible to bear... after spending a day with some real friends, life might seem perfect... you might feel contented... you might feel the happiness you've always wanted... until the day ends and you part ways... i got home last night thinking if going home was the right way to end my day... i immediately wanted to leave again... reality strikes and i'm a sad loser again...

happiness, when will i see you again? love, when will i hold you again? smile, when will i dance with you again? dream, when will i reach you again?

Currently listening to: Fall Out Boy's "Sugar, We're Going Down"
Currently feeling: sleepy... pissed.

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting...

Currently listening to: this song. Staind's "Right Here"
Currently feeling: stuck in deep shit.

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The past days, I've been having this feeling of not wanting to go home (at all)... that is if it still can be called a home... let's just call it "her house"

Ever since that day when I saw the for sale sign in front of her house, I've been having this heavy feeling of going somewhere else and lose myself somewhere far away and just go back when it's time to sleep... I ended up actually requesting for all the closing shifts my manager could give me for the next weeks... I actually said yes to transfering to far away La Puente store (and actually told him that I'm moving there). I still hate the fact that I might need to move out anytime soon, but I guess this is the rebellious act i did backfiring.

I have to admit now the real reason why I'm here. I got scared. I got scared of being controlled like most of my friends in the Philippines. I got scared of getting stuck at home and forever feed on my father's income. I wanted my own life. I wanted to build my own little space, my own little world where only my decision matters. After that, I could, in a snap, give my parents the comfortable life they never had. They worked and studied at the same time during their youth. They didn't have the luxury of shelling out some for "wants". This was my dream when I was young... when I was living in my own world as a princess during high school. And now I'm here. After running away the first time 10 months ago, going back in frustration 6 months after, and then running away again just 2 months after, I'm almost halfway my deadline to actually getting a real life. I don't know why running away became my solution for wanting freedom... but what do you think I should have done?

Moving out is not my issue really, because I've done it twice already - and both from my parents' house and I don't really care where I'm gonna live (as long as I have my friends, my favorite cousin, and my aunt and uncle near me). What pisses me off is that I'm treated like a kindergarten. Whe she has something to say, why can't she just tell it to my face? Why can't she just lash out and tell me her problem? I mean, am I not that mature enough to understand whatever it is that she wanted to say? It's just freaking annoying to hear stuff about me from someone else. arrggghhh...

Anyway, with what's happening now, I'm definitely not going up there with her. I came here to live my own life. The last thing I need now is a person to dictate my schedule (aside from my boss and my manager of course). I've managed to suck up the sadness of running away from my family just so I could have everything my way, I will never let her ruin that in any way.

Currently listening to: "I Wish You Were Here"
Currently feeling: pissed.

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i dreamt of you again... and it felt so right... so real... like you were really holding my hand... and we were just sitting on a bench in the middle of a huge mall (I need to find that mall soon), sharing a blended drink, people-watching and laughing at some.

*sigh*

but then again it was just a dream... a dream i could only hope to not end. sometimes i feel like you know i wanted to tell you something and that sometimes i just want to give you a tight bear hug out of nowhere... but that might freak you out. so i keep the distance. i make sure i'm not near you enough to be tempted to even touch you. i don't come near enough to not smell your cologne or aftershave or whatever that is you're wearing that's making me want to smell you all day. i misinterpret your kindness most of the time and i feel sorry for myself whenever that happens. i like you a lot... so i supress it... because if i fall totally... you might not be there to catch me... that would hurt... a lot... and worse, things will never be the same again... that would just ruin my entire life.

so, i'm sorry if i'm too sensitive about everything. sorry if i couldn't even start a nice conversation with you. sorry if sometimes i get too nosy. sorry if sometimes i end up staring in space if not at you. sorry for liking you. sorry for whatever it is that you feel weird about between us. i guess i should keep more distance... so as not to step on your own space and hinder your own growth... but i'll be here nonetheless... if your own space becomes too huge for you to be in it alone. i'll share my world with you... and we'll live happily ever after.

Currently listening to: Staind's "Right Here"
Currently watching: a slideshow of your pictures.
Currently feeling: terribly exhausted.

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I just got home from work... I'm tired... but for some reason my heart feels light... and I am smiling... I guess this is because tonight was different...

I got to help two deaf-mutes today... and it wasn't easy. My co-worker was gonna help them but it was too difficult for her because she couldn't understand what the deaf-mute woman was instructing. How do you say teriyaki on wheat when you're mute anyway? So I took over. For some reason I got to finish their orders easily, and my co-worker was amazed. She asked if i could understand hand signals... I couldn't... I don't even know how I guessed their signals right... but I think it takes a really patient and understanding person to serve such people... and I'm proud to have been of service to them...

They're like two angles with clipped wings who visited me today... because after they're gone, I was left smiling... and they left with never ending gesture of thanks and big smiles. Their smiles lighten up my night. I was singing while working. I was doing my job like it was the best thing in the world. I even forgot how painful my feet were earlier. I guess I was visited by angels... to remind me that my life is way better than some... that whatever it is that's confusing me and putting me down at the moment is nothing compared to other people's  problems. Thank God for the graces and blessings I receive everyday... I hope I'm not taking them for granted.

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I said hi to my friend Gi today at her work. She was busy but it was ok. I just came to say hi. It just feels nice to see a friend, stay with her for two seconds and still had a great time. She's one of my angels today. Thank God for Gi.

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I got online just before writing this entry and checked my email. There struck me an email from my angel. We call each other angel because we're sort of each other's guardian angel. But we don't even see each other anymore... the last time was my birthday. I don't know when I'll see him again... I hope it's soon. It felt so great to hear from him because I have been waiting for an email from him for a really looong time now and there, finally he sent something. hehehe

I know you'll read this angel... so better leave a comment or else! hahaha we'll talk soon, ayt? i love you always! miss you so much!

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There goes my four angels today... thank you Lord.

Currently listening to: this song that's playing.
Currently feeling: contented, thankful.

(click on pictures to take the quiz!)

Your element is Light. Your heart is pure and shining with love. You believe in the goodness of those around you and give almost everyone a smile. You are not the kind to hide your happiness and tend to smile all day long, both in and out. But when sadness hits you, you become very devastated and may be upset for quite some time. What you need in your life is friends, friends who will love you unconditionally, like you love them. But you have a naive nature and don't always notice when someone is trying to hurt you. Some would say you are oblivious to mean people, which makes you an easy target. However, your true friends will probably be there for you and save you. In school you are either the popular one or the little weird one. It all depends if "the higher people" find your caring side irritating or not. Nevertheless, you have a bubbly personality and are social. Big partys may not be your thing since you want bonding time with your friends, so slumber-partys fit you more. You like the happy things in life and like everyone else to be as happy as you are.

hmmm... right.

You have DIVINE love, and it shows in every fiber of you. If you havent yet graced someone with your love, dont rush. Not everyone deserves someone as wonderful as you are because they dont understand your rarity, but when you find someone who does you will lead a very full and wonderful life.

yeah right. *sigh*

no. you cannot just ignore the fact that you know how i feel. you cannot disregard things i say. you cannot push me out of your life just becaue you think i'm not worth it. no. you will not decide my life for me. you will not stop being friends with me. you will remain the same person you have always been to me. you will still trust me. you will still spend time with me. you will still talk to me. no. you will never forget me.

but you know i respect you enough to accept your decisions. you can just forget the things i said. you can ignore the things i will say or do. you can even stop being my friend... we both know you can just go on with your life and forget everything about me but i know you will not.

i hope you know you can tell me anything. say something. how can you pass a day without even opening your mouth? say anything. so i won't go through each day guessing. it is a given that you've always been the mysterious one. more than half of you is a locked diary of all sorts of feelings, secrets, thoughts, dreams. try giving me a clue where you threw the key... i'll use my remaining life to find it and unlock the real you.