me
and the waltz of my joys and angst
Posted by purple_ink at 10:28 AM as a stickied post | 6 tried to fix me.
April 28th, 2005
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Posted by purple_ink at 09:44 AM as a stickied post | Hold my hand...
June 7th, 2008
Clumsy
You know how in movies when a girl crushes on a very cute hunky guy, she transforms into a very annoying, dumb, idiotic, and clumsy teenager nerd whenever she sees the guy? You know how in dramas, there are girls (or guys) who trip on anything or say the dumbest most nonsensical things around that person he or she likes? Well, I didn’t exactly trip and fall over anything… but I had that moment. Yup, just like in the movies. Thinking about it right now and rewinding what happened to me, I feel like I’m watching a corny-but-kilig Korean drama.
I made it to WaMu today at 5:58 pm. They close at 6. So I was like 3rd from the last person they let in the bank before closing. I still had to wait like 15 minutes because I was literally by the door because there were a lot of people in line. I was minding my business, checking out my cash, sending some text messages, checking my cash again, my deposit ticket, my cash again… then the line moved… and I finally got inside the bank… so I looked around… there were 3 tellers helping customers… one I recognized as the Vice President who offered me a job last year. The second was the Filipino lady who comes to lunch at Subway with her bf (I assume). And then there he was… blue polo (well, that’s the WaMu uniform)… talking so nicely to an old lady… and after giving her the receipt he looked up and caught me straight staring at him. Imagine again a dorky girl in a telenovela who suddenly turned her head and pretended to be reading the words on the wall (financial advice, college, home loan, personal loan, etc. hahah) But I knew he smiled. And so I waited. Waited. Waited. Praying to God that I don’t get helped by him. So as the old man in front of me walked up to the Filipina lady, and seeing the Vice President printing the receipt of her last client, I was relieved and sure that she was going to call me next. And guess what happened, as I was going to take a step forward, she held her hand like a stop sign and said “I’m sorry, someone will be right with you!” GREAT. Just great. And so I looked at him, and he was printing the receipt of his last client. Dammit. He called me next. When he said “I’d be happy to help you here”, I freagin pretended that I didn’t hear him, so the lady behind me tapped my shoulder and pointed at him, and I looked up and saw him smiling (it almost looked like he was grinning) at me. So I walked up to him, and (you know how in newly renovated WaMu branches, the teller goes up to you and walks with you towards their station?) while I walk up to him, he was walking backwards facing me like I was walking up to him in a very weird and awkward way. Seriously. I’m so bad at describing things in words. Ngarrr. And so we were there at his station, he started counting my money while he asks “So how are you today?” “Pretty good” I said. “I’m so proud of myself coz I made it today.” I added. “Got here in the nick of time” he smilingly replied (I felt like he was making fun of me or something). So I think this was where the dorkiness (if there’s such a word) all started. Here’s the conversation, the scene’s up to your imagination:
James: Got here in the nick of time?
Me: Yeah. I’ve been trying to make it on time… (what a liar)
James: (counting money) hmmm…
Me: I’ve been trying for the past 2 days to make this deposit but I never make it on time… (liars go to hell) I came yesterday but you were closed. (tangeks!)
James: (just looked at me)
Me: (thinking… oh shit! It’s Monday today, past 2 days… weekend!) Oh, no, I meant I came Saturday and you closed early… (I was just at home on Saturday.) (really stupid. this was that very awkward moment where I got caught in my own lie).
James: oh, it wasn’t even busy Saturday, you could have made it.
Me: Oh but you closed at 1 right? And I couldn’t leave the restaurant coz it was our busiest. (my nose just went long all the way to the door - tanga! idiot! idiot!)
James: oh that’s true… well, it’s nice that you came today… (while printing receipt… then handed it to me..)
Me: yeah… (looking at him while he gives me the receipt)
Guess what… the receipt fell on the floor. He had to pick it up and gave it to me. Then as I was leaving he walked me up to the door and opened the door for me. Guess what I did, I opened the other side of the door and went out that way. Isn’t that really stupid?
So as I stepped down to the street, all I could think of was “Tanga! Tanga! Ang tanga tanga! Ano bang katangahan yan!” Yiiiiiiiiii kinausap nya ko!!!!! Tanga!!!!!!
I replay in my head what happened over and over and damn, no matter how I look at it, I’m pretty sure he saw the worst part of me – being a dork around a very cute guy. So much for my very good reputation as a manager. I’m pretty sure if there was someone watching me that day, he’d scratch his head and say how idiotic I was.
Why does this happen to me when I’m around someone I like? Why????!!!
I think I’ve been watching too much Korean dramas… that I end up being like in one. Shit. Shit talaga. Natatanga ako kapag nakikita ko yung taong yun.
Side kwento…
One time, he came to get lunch… he ordered a not toasted roasted chicken sandwich. I made the sandwich for him. At Subway, if the sandwich is not toasted, we have to heat up the meat in the microwave… which I did. So I closed up his sandwich, and he paid and left (damn he was so damn cute that day and his smile… ohhh… his smile&hellip
So 5 minutes later, I was going to clean the microwaves. And there it was… wrapped in deli paper… one piece of chicken patty. Shit. He never complained about it. Didn’t even mention it the next time he went there. He never mentioned it at all. But from then on, I noticed that he smiles at me weird whenever he’s there. Especially that one time when he went with his co-worker and he did not order anything. He smiled at me, and his eyes just freagin twinkle! Hahahah Made my knees weak. You know what happened that day? I forgot to give the change to his co-worker. Hahahah
Dammit. Does getting attracted to someone really make you a little bit stupid and clumsy?
Posted by purple_ink at 06:47 PM | Hold my hand...
June 5th, 2008
It's Official... Cheesy Entry Alert
It's official. I am officially crushing on this bank guy I barely know.
I just got home and I realized one thing... I haven't stopped thinking about this guy since I left the bank this morning. Yup, he works at the bank.
There were 3 guys I was crushing on for the past months - one from each of the banks in the same plaza as my restaurant. And it's just really frustrating that he is the one I never get to talk to. The other two have been my friends since day one... and I think the mystery to him made me like him more than the other two. Okay please don't comment about me being such a lovesick puppy, too cheesy, and too.... I don't know... what have you. Just stop reading please... but I won't stop blabbering.
So moving on. As I was saying, I haven't stopped thinking about him since morning. What is it about him that I like? I don't know. The whole shaped beard/goatee/mustache whatever just really works for him... he's so darn cute. His chubby cheeks? Yeah, I g uess you could say that. I've always had a thing for chubby cheeks. Once I had a crush on this guy in grade school. When we turned high school, he lost weight and he just looked ugly and disgusting for me... but that's when girls went gaga over him. Isn't that just insane? Oh well, looks count I guess. Which brings me to my point. Why is a person's appearance soo freakin important that it makes me feel intimidated and insecure myself? The notion that guys like only those pretty sexy girls just makes me wanna throw up and puke out everything I ate today and makes me want to be anorexic. It's wrong I know... so why? Why do guys like only the pretty/cute girls?
I don't really want to judge him (and all the other guys out there), but looking at him and seeing his pictures and reading his stuff on myspace (oopppsss... confession.. yes, I looked at his profile), I feel he's never even going to look my way even if I cartwheeled right in front of him. I feel like such a loser. Dammit. I think I'm back in high school when I really liked one guy and he went for the class muse. ngaaaarrrrrr....
So anyway, how am I gonna stop thinking about this guy? Even family matters didn't distract me from wondering about him and wondering what he's up to. haaay...
I can't sleep... no... not like I used to...
I can't breathe in and out like I need to...
I don't walk right... not like I used to...
There's a jump in my step as I rush to see you...
I could be happy here as long as you're near to me...
As long as you're close to me...
Now that I'm alright I can help you out...
As I'm trying just to keep things right...
I'll be what you need...
I kill myself to make everything perfect for ya...
Goodbye apathy...
I wish God would give me a sign... a sign that he's someone that would be relevant to my future...
goodnight James.
Posted by purple_ink at 11:14 PM | Hold my hand...
I Don't Know What To Do With Myself.
ayyy... I can't sleep dammit. so okay, i'll just type away my thoughts right now.
I sometimes feel I get bored at something so easily. Like a kid who jumps from one toy to another. As soon as I find out what something does or how something works or how someone is, I lose interest... especially if it's a someone I like, as soon as he finds out I like him, the mystery fizzles down and my interest just well... let's just say it kind of dies down and disappears.
Dammit that dorky day just crossed my mind right now! Erase! Erase! Erase!
Ayyy... doesn't he get tired of running in my mind for the whole freaking day that even the exaggeratedly over ordered delivery I got this morning did not distract me at all? I have no idea what I was thinking last Friday when I placed that humonguos amount of produce and supplies. This guy just distracts and disrupts my whole life. And you know what? I haven't blogged in months... and now what am I doing? I'm blabbering! again!
James. James. James. Tsk. so sad.
This morning I promised myself I won't be thinking of him as much as the past days. And what happened to me? Well, it took me forever to put away my delivery because in every turn, I think of him dammit. dammit. dammit. Today i found myself going around the atm drive thru twice just because. Oh, and did I mention I parked at that same spot where I saw his car on Saturday? yeah. Oh, here's the worst thing. I went to lovecalculator.com, entered our names, and voila, 99 freakin %!!!!!! I think fate is playing me. I think if angels are watching a reality show from heaven called "Tease her till she goes crazy", I think their spotlight is on me right now...
It's very silly. I've been keeping those transaction receipts from the bank just because they have his name on them and because they touched his hand. arrrggghhh could someone please strangle me and make me stop?
Something bothers me. What if the reason I'm still single right now is because unconsciously, I want to be. Shit. I'm doomed.
I've never crushed on anyone like this since like uhmm... let me se... uhmmm... since forever?! Why? Why now? When everything in my life is just complicated.
I swear it's you...
I swear it's you...
I swear it's you that I've waited for...
I swear it's you...
I swear it's you that my heart beats for
And it ain't gonnna stop...
It just won't stop...
Hah! Even the playlist playing on my laptop right now is not being helpful. LOL
Currently reading: Atonement
Posted by purple_ink at 11:11 PM | Hold my hand...
I Hate You
For reasons I could not even explain. I hate you for making my heart pound like crazy everytime I see you. You make me silly and do silly things. I turn into a neurotic dork in front of you. You… you make me worry about my future. You make me want to do things I never ever imagined I would do. You turn me into a crazy stalker. You are bad. I hate you. I hate you for making me like this… for making me what I am right at this moment – a lovesick puppy. I hate you for making me feel bad about myself. I hate you for making me start to change. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you for making me think about you too much. I hate you for making me imagine things with you. I hate you because you bring back the worst feeling that I hate – dependence. I hate you because you remind me of my sad past. I hate you for not really knowing anything about me. I hate you for not seeing it. I hate you for smiling at me that day. I hate you for making me feel so embarrassed. I hate you because you make me wake up early on a Saturday so I can do my hair. I hate you because you are the reason I wait in a freaking long line when I can always go to that empty ATM. I hate you because you are not part of my plan. I did not expect to feel these things around you. I hate you because only you… after the longest time… only you made my heart beat so fast… I think even faster than the last time I had these feelings. I hate you for slapping on my face the fact that I am really a hopeless romantic. I hate you because you make me want to sing wherever I may be. I hate you because I could never keep a straight face at work. I hate you because you make me want to stare at our monitor waiting for you. I hate you for making me wait for you everyday. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you for having such a nice name… but I hate you for having a very uncommon last name. I hate you because I promised myself I would never like a Filipino again. Why in the world did you have to be a Filipino? Why? I hate you because you make me doubt fate. I've always believed in fate and destiny… but you… you make me want to hate fate. I hate you for making me smile in very random alone moments. I hate you… I hate you for making me look forward to everyday… because everyday is a possibility of seeing you again. Damn you. I hate you so much because I can't hate you.
Currently watching: 10 Things I Hate About You
Currently feeling: restless
Posted by purple_ink at 11:01 PM | Hold my hand...
Dance Dance Revo Supernova is Waaaaaaaaayyyyyyy Better Than Treadmill
after an hour of trying to perfect "Since U Been Gone" on Basic mode, I finally got tired and realized how sweaty my shirt was - wet all over. hahaha
I know... so random, right? Oh well.
This is my way of coping and forgetting and accepting God's sign that it's wrong to like someone I don't even know... that I can't waste my time daydreaming and imagining about someone who doesn't even know I exist... well, he probably knows I exist but I'm pretty sure I'm just one of those people he sees once in a while in the area... I'm pretty sure he's got no idea how stupid it feels to like him the way I like him... you know that feeling of wanting something so badly but you can't afford it? That's exactly what I feel right now.
I think he's too expensive for me... well not monetary but... well, I feel I think it would take spending my whole life just for him to notice me. He's kind of out of my league I guess. That's sad.
Anyway, it's just really weird that today, for the first time in a very very very very looongggg time, I feel I'm ready to be in a relationship again... or not? I don't know... Today was kind of depressing in a way that I wanted to call someone or talk to someone other than my friends or family... someone I could share my heart with... someone who would just hold me and I'd feel better even without him saying anything... you know what I'm sayin? Probably not... but... oh well.
So yeah. I dig his goatee, his super cute chubby cheeks, his cool tats, his oh-so-clean-looking drunken state, his huggable-like-a-bear look, his coolness and smartness... the only thing I don't really dig about him... he works at a bank... and maybe I am judging myself too much, but working at a bank with his kind of position frustrates me... because when their VP offered me a job, I had to say no. Sad. Sad. Sad.
So I got a clear sign today. I had to go there this morning to make sure my account doesn't go negative again... and for the first time, he was not there. I didn't even see his car. I've been going there and he's always there. Always. But not today. So I don't know, probably his day off or something. Then on his site, he says "yeah, uhmmm.... no." It's like answering my question... "would you ever like me?" Guess not. Dammit I feel bad for myself. hahahah
BUT! I can't let him take the best of me. He doesn't even know me and I don't really know him. All I know about him is he seems to be nice and sweet - I'm not even sure of that. If future permits, I'll probably find out.
But for now, I have to deal. I have to live my life like before ... that is going straight to shower in the morning instead of checking his profile just to say good morning... or writing something sensible instead of these rants I have been writing the past days. You see, like I said, I hate him for making me like I am right now... it's not me. And insomnia... damn insomnia... I have got to sleep!!!!!!
I have to play my one republic CD now and hopefully this works again tonight and puts me to sleep...
goodnight james. =)
Currently listening to: One Republic - Won't Stop
Currently reading: Atonement
Currently watching: So You Think You Can Dance
Currently feeling: silly
Posted by purple_ink at 10:22 PM as a favorite post | Hold my hand...
January 28th, 2008
when the sun shines on the sea, i miss you.
when the dim of moonlight is on the spring, i miss you.
when the dim of moonlight is on the spring, i miss you.
Posted by purple_ink at 08:18 PM | Hold my hand...
September 15th, 2007
From Afar
(originally written July 1, 2004)
did i just see you smile?i'm sure you smiled.
was it for me?
or it's just you're happy?
i was looking at you from afar
you seemed happy putting coins in the jar.
was that shirt you're wearing blue?
or the bright sky was just reflecting on you? i always see you from afar
that's the only way i could reach you.
you're always sitting on that chair, in that same position,
and your face doesn't change a bit.
i always see you from there
there when only my eyes can touch you
please know that i'll never be too far
i will always look and smile at you from afar.
Posted by purple_ink at 10:22 PM in Poems | Hold my hand...